Terrible DIY Halloween Costumes

What not to wear: Useless ideas for Halloween costumes, and instructions on how to achieve the looks described.

Halloween is just around the corner and you still have no idea what you’re wearing? Don’t worry; we’ve compiled a list of utterly useless ideas that won’t help you at all.

1. Offensive A**hole


What you need:

  • Plain T-shirt
  • Markers
  • Cardboard
  • Douchey sunglasses (optional)

All you need to do is use the cardboard to make placards professing your intense hatred for everyone who isn’t you. If you’re going for a racist or homophobic vibe, you could boldly print offensive terms on T-shirts. To really add an oomph factor to your costume, wear sunglasses indoors while chanting slogans of hate.

2. Gift to Humanity


What you need:

  • Ribbons
  • Gift wrap
  • Scissors
  • Tape
  • Swag

Wrap yourself up in your douchebaggery (gift wrap works too) and fashion a nice big bow out of ribbon. Tape it to your head and present yourself to people, seductively telling them to “unwrap” you. The most important component of this costume is swag; don’t forget that. You must perfect your strut, and phrases like “That’s what she said” and “it was so bitchin’” should readily roll off your tongue.

3. Cheating Spouse


What you need:

  • Eyeliner
  • Red lipstick
  • Brightly colored bra
  • Button-down blouse
  • Guilt

Button your shirt up unevenly, and wear your bra over your blouse to make it look like you dressed in haste. Mess up your hair, and smudge your lipstick and eyeliner, spreading it all over your face. A guilty conscience is required for this one though, and your fear of being discovered should clearly reflect on your face.

4.  Cross-dressing


What you need:

  • Dress/Suit
  • Wig/Moustache
  • Boa/Cigar
  • Laziness

You know what’s really funny? Dressing as the opposite gender. So just throw on a wig or a fake moustache and you have yourself a completely original costume that nobody has ever thought of before. What’s really important is to let the laziness shine through; let everyone know how cool you are by just not caring about anything people think.

5. Cliché


What you need:

  • Last-minute cash
  • Time limit
  • Desperation

All you need to do is visit the nearest drugstore and get yourself cheap devil horns or fake vampire teeth. A cheap alternative is red ink, or even ketchup. If you really wanna go old school, you could always be a sheet ghost or toilet paper mummy. An essential element is the frazzled last-minute feel to the costume; the sheer desperation should be written all over the look.

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